Sunday, July 7, 2013

Death by razor??

As you are reading this new blog post of mine, some of you may question why on earth would I post this story. I have two simple answers.

1. As my kids get older, I feel I need to tone down on the kid stories, because, well, it is their stories to tell.

2. If I can no longer write about certain things about the kids, then the only one left to write about is yours truly!

So, with that in mind...carry on.

DISCLAIMER~ Dad, this would be the blog post that you do not want to read....and probably anyone else who may be sober.

So, I was in the shower, listening to One Direction, doing my usual routine. Washing my hair, shaving my legs, and.....other areas.

I have been shaving for a very long time now. Other than the occasional nick on the knees, I have never had any issues.....until now.

As I am shaving the "other area", something I have done thousand of times before, something happens. The razor kinda sorta slips.

Perhaps it was my choice of music, or perhaps I am just a clutz. Either way it was not pretty.

The pain happened instantly. I am literally standing in the shower, bouncing around like a complete fool, legs together "ow ow ow ow ow ow ow , oh my god what am I going to do ow ow ow ow ow"

I guess I got a little too close to an area that has no business seeing a razor?!

Through the tears I clean myself up while asking myself "How the hell am I going to explain this one to The Husband, or even worse, The Doctor?"

Okay, not too much blood. I will be okay.

Ummm, not so much. Seriously, I could barely walk....or sit down....or use the rest room.

A question to all of you out there who had babies vaginally.....do you remember the pain? The soreness? How you could not even pee without it burning?

Well, this is now me....except I do not have a little baby to show for it. In fact, all I do have is a piece of my insides now missing!

Forty-eight hours later and yeah, still hurts.

The Husband will ask me "Why are you walking funny?"

"Oh, my back hurts"

"It does not look like your back hurts, it looks like your butt hurts."

"Oh, okay, why would my butt hurt? It is my back, I did too many push ups today or something."

I am still not sure if he totally buys it. Really, if he knows me at all he knows I would not be doing push ups, unless there was chocolate involved.

I have tried to take a mirror and look at the area that I somehow sliced to pieces.

That did not work, because as stated above, I am a clutz.

My sisters told me I need antibiotics, and, to stay away from a razor.

My brother had no advice for me, other than he could have went the rest of his life without knowing this about me.

My Dad, just hearing bits of pieces of (no pun intended) the story, also got a visual that he need not see.

My mom, leave it to my mom "YOU KNOW THEY HAVE HAIR REMOVER FOR THAT AREA?!"

I know I know, but then you risk leaving the hair remover on too long and burning yourself.

Ouch!!!

So, I will just go on with life as usual, I will make every excuse in the world not to have sex,

and if the day comes where you read on my headstone "Death by razor" then you know the story behind it.

You're welcome.

So......be honest, I bet there are a few of you more traumatized by the fact that I was listening to One Direction while taking a shower?

Cheers!





2 comments:

  1. lmao! LOVED this! So funny. Thank you so much for sharing!!! (and yes... I subscribed to your blog. You are so worth it, and that's even BEFORE I read your "about me" page. Question though... is the "work in progress" tab real-life or is it a novel in progress? just asking...)

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    1. Thank you! The "work in progress" was just a short story idea that I never finished! I should probably get on that.

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