This is what happenes when I am bored and sober.

The other night, I played the funniest practical joke on my sister, brother and two sons. Lucky for you guys I have the text to prove it.

Quick back story. I recently read Buzz Feed where some comedian who I had never heard of asked his Twitter followers to send a text to their parents and then to re-tweet their reply.

The text was ~ "I just scored two grams for 40"

immediately followed by "Sorry, wrong person"

I could not stop laughing. Some of the replies from the parents were amazing!

So, of course I just had to try it myself....except I did not text my parents...I wanted to do my siblings and kids instead. Sooooo here we go.

This is my sister.




I was laughing so hard I had a few typos in that last text.

next up....my 19 yr old son.






next up....my 12 yr old son...

Sadly there is nothing to show. Want to know why? because as soon as I sent the text, I  hear him falling over in his room, in such a hurry to come rat me out.

"Dad, Mom is doing drugs, look at what she texted me"

Sorry to burst his little bubble but my husband was in on it too.

Sucker!

And finally, my brother...



I am going to ignore the extremely long time it took my brother to respond.

However, there is no fooling him......yet.

I had so much fun doing this, and believe it or not, vodka was not even involved.

So I thought I was going to die...

I have no idea where to begin this story other than to say if my life was made into a t.v sitcom, I would be making bank money.

For the past three months or so, I have noticed an unusual freckle on my face. Those of you that do not have the pleasure of knowing me in person should know that I have freckles on my face. I would say a fair amount along my cheeks.

There was one particular freckle on my left cheek that just did not look right. So, I waited. I also talked to my sister who had a few skin cancers scares, and then I waited some more.

This thing was not going away, in fact, it was changing, getting bigger, and darker, and uglier. So...I did what any moron would do and I googled "skin cancer symptoms."

It did not look good. I had to get this checked out before it spreads. The good thing is skin cancer is one of the most curable types of cancer if caught early enough. Well, I was already three months in and freaking out.

Seriously, I was freaking out. I could not sleep at night, I kept having dreams of  dying and Joe raising the kids by himself. I told myself that before I die I want to write letters to the kids for all the important events I will miss. Prom, wedding, first date....jail time (that one is for Vinnie) and I even thought I should write a  letter to Joe's new wife because she would be playing a big part in my kids life.

I was stressed, worried, scared, and of course kept this all to myself. I did not want my family to worry (they would have) and I certainly did not want Joe to worry (he would have) so I figured "I got this" just keep things on the down low till I am able to get in to see a dermatologist/RN.

My appointment was this past Thursday. With the kids safe at school and Joe safe at work, I was able to go, feeling confident that I was not making anyone worry for no reason.

This was my first time going to a dermatologist. I was nervous. Especially because I figured I had the early stages of skin cancer.

I am in the office playing Candy Crush Saga on my phone, trying to do anything I can to help me not think of what will happen in the next 15 minutes or so.

Finally, they call my name and I head back. My dermatologist (who is also a RN) is stunning. I mean stunning. There are a lot of pretty people out there but this lady had a certain kind of class and sophistication that you either have or do not have. She had it....and she was 50. She did not look 50, probably late 30's to early 40's. And.......she also had skin cancer two previous times in her life. So, I knew I was in the right place.

She has me lay back on the table with god awful fluorescent lights, and hands me a magnifying mirror. I believe that was my first glimpse into hell.

She tells me to sit back up and she goes over my history, am I a drinker, drug user, smoker, sun exposure, blah blah blah.

"You're nervous arent you?"

Well of course I am nervous! She told me to sit tight she will be right back with something to calm my nerves. I was wondering what my chances were that it would be vodka.

Once she returns she hands me this glass of ice,  berry mixture, and tells me to drink it, it will help to de-stress me.

I took a small sip. It tasted like vitamins....but then, I started thinking. And as history has shown, the worse thing I can do is to start thinking.

No one knows where I am at (because I kept it a secret) I could totally disappear and no one would have any idea where to look for me. What if my drink is drugged and she wants to rob me or use me for some kind of weird health/science experiment or something?

Then she started asking me "How old are your kids?" "What are your plans for the rest of the day?"

So I made sure to tell her I had to pick Joe up as soon as I left the office so she would think someone would be expecting me.

yYes, I am a moron who watches too many movies.

Finally it is time to get down to business. She tells me to take a few deep breaths and relax. I lay back down and she comes to examine my freckle.

"Is this what you are concerned about?"

I look in the mirror, and confirm, yes, that is what I am worried about.

She gets pretty close, looks at then says to me "Jennifer, that is just a large blackhead, that's nothing, I can get rid of that now?"

"Huh?"

"Yes, you probably need a better skin cleaning ritual at night, but that's all it is, see watch"

Two q-tips later, my skin was clear. No unusual freckle, nothing.

Needless to say I was quite embarrassed, and felt like a fool, and made a mental note to go to the store to pick up a good facial cleanser........and vodka.

How many Epic Mom Fails do I have under my belt now?

Last night, at Gracie and Sofia's school, there was a special Awards Night Assembly. Gracie received an award for her accomplishments in Math. One would think "Aww, how sweet" "Oh, what a great story" "How could Jen POSSIBLY mess this one up?"

Well, grab some vodka because I am about to tell you how.

It all started the day before the Awards Night Assembly. I am standing outside the school, waiting for the girls to get out.

My phone rings.
I do not recognize the number.
Because I do not recognize the number I decide to answer...because I am nosey.
It was the school. The same school that I am standing in front of.

Since the girls are due out anytime now, I was a little confused on the phone call.
I am looking around wondering if I am being punked or something. Surely the lady on the other end, who is calling to remind me about Awards Night knows I am right outside of the school, waiting to pick up the kids?

She did not. In fact, she was kinda surprised when I told her "Okay, I need to go now, the girls are coming out"

Perhaps it was the language barrier.....or not.

Before we hang up, I assure her that we will be at the school tomorrow night. She then makes sure to let me know how important and special this is for the kids, and even suggested I bring some balloons for the occasion.

Moron. This is not my first go around. I have an 18 year old son.

I got this.

Fast forward to last night.

The plan was, AJ (18 yr old son I was just talking about....oh wait, he is actually 19. I could go back and edit, but the fact that I did not realize how old my oldest kid is kinda puts the icing on the cake to this story.)

Anyway, back to the plan. AJ was going to cook the girls dinner, while I run to pick Joe up from work. We would come back to the house for about 15 minutes (just enough time for me to comb their hair and make sure they look presentable to take in public)

While waiting, Joe asked me if I knew where my NY GIANTS hat was.

"Why?"

"Umm, so I can wear it"

"No, you cannot wear it. I mean under normal circumstances I would love for you to wear my hat, but no, not tonight"

"Why not?"

"Because, you know, the whole no hat in school rule. It's a respect thing"

"Fine"

All went as planned.

We even got to the school with time to spare, found some seats, and then just waited. The girls were looking around the room to see if they could spot some of their friends, while Joe was looking around the room pointing out every male who was wearing a hat.

Finally, the Principal starts welcoming everyone, making introductions to some people who I do not remember.

Gracie's teacher sneaks up on us and sits down next to me. (Gracie is on my right, then Sofia, then Joe....if you need a visual)

The teacher and I quietly say hi, and chit chat for a bit. She is a great teacher, young, hip....so you know, her and I have a lot in common.

The next few minutes happened so fast. The Principal then begins to explain how the awards ceremony will go. He will call the name of the kid, the kid is then suppose to walk up to the front of the gym, take a picture with the Principal and some other teacher, then walk to the left of the stage and wait till all names have been called.

And then it hit me.

Crap crap crap.

I forgot to tell Gracie she was getting an award.

Gracie, the one who cannot stand change, who has her set routine and does not like to be deterred from it, the kid who does not like surprises at all. I forgot to tell her that we were indeed here to watch her to get an award.

Clearly this is not going to end well.

OF COURSE, Gracie was the first kid called.

Gracie sits there.

I look at her teacher with a panic stricken look on my face.

"Ummm, I kinda for got to tell Gracie about this"

"You forgot? How did you forget? Okay, we will use the band aide method.......Gracie, you got an award, congratulations, go up on stage...go go go!"

Yeah, epic mom fail how many now?

But it gets better. Because I forgot to tell Gracie about the award, I also forgot to tell Sofia. Or at least prep Sofia that tonight "Gracie is getting an award and if you work really hard next time you will get one too"

Yep, none of that happened. So it was no surprise when after all the names of the kids were called, Sofia burst into tears "I WANT AN AWARD TOO"
Joe was ready to kill me, the teacher is laughing at me, I am looking for the closest exit and Gracie is up on stage giving me her pissed off look.

and remember the phone call from the moron at school the day before?

She is having the last laugh now, as we gather the screaming children, who do not have balloons. One is yelling "What was that about mom?" and the other "You hurt my feelings, I did not get an award!"

Somehow, a quick stop at 7-11 for Gatorade and gummy worms made everything better.

At least for the kids.

All about me.......again

Thursday night. As always, it's hectic. I am rushing to get everything ready for the following school day.

Everyone is slowly starting to wind down. This is my opportunity to go take a shower in peace, and I desperately need to take a shower in peace, mainly to do some maintenance....if you know what I mean.

About 45 minutes later I come out of the shower, kids are asleep and husband is watching t.v. I grab my drink, my phone, and my notebook and plop down next to him on our sofa.

Husband~ You smell nice

me~ thank you

and then he goes back to watching TV, and I play words with friends on my phone.

About 15 minutes later he reaches over and gently rubs my leg.

Husband~ your skin is so soft

Me~ thank you

and he goes back to watching TV. I make a second drink and continue to play words with friends.

Another 15 minutes passes

husband~ it's getting late, are you ready for bed?

Now, I am thinking to myself "huh, it's only 10:30. very rarely do we go to bed at this early, what's going on???

and then it clicked.

Me~ Oh! I get it, yeah....sorry.......we cannot have sex tonight.

Husband~ but you shaved your legs....and took forever in the shower.

Me~ that was not for sex.....or for you....you know what I mean.

Husband~ actually, I don't.

Me~ Don't you remember, I have my pap-smear appointment tomorrow. You know the drill!

Husband~ Oh that.....I'm in the wrong profession

Me~ Well duh!!

And that was that. How funny that he thought he was going to get sex just because I shaved my legs. Please! It is still winter over here.

Now......fast forward to today. My pap smear.

Everything is going good. My good ole Dr, who I have been seeing for 8 years now is super fast. I mean he is in and out of there before you can even blink.

Love this guy. And for what it's worth, he literally saved my life and Gracie's life. So I figure the least I can do is shave my legs for the man....right?

After the exam he tells me to get dressed and he will be back in to talk with me. Well what the hell does that mean? He has never needed to talk with me before. I have always had a clean bill of health. Great. Just great. Something is wrong......cancer. It has to be cancer, it has to be cervical cancer because he said my boobs felt fine (well duh!) Now I am going to have to go home and break the news to Joe, I have cervical cancer. I should have had sex with him last night. Agh!!! Why Meeeeeeeee????? Will I need chemo??? I have always wanted to try a hot pink wig, maybe now is my chance....and OMG what I am I doing to myself?

yes folks....this is how my mind works.

So.. here I am sitting in the chair. Biting my nails, shaking my legs, trying to prepare myself for "The Talk"

Finally....he comes in. Okay......I am ready. Whatever it is, I am sure it was caught early enough, I can totally beat this.

DR~ Jennifer, I just have a few questions few you?

Me~ "sigh" okay, shoot......

DR~ How long is your menstrual cycle?
        Do you ever experience pain?
        Especially during relations?
        Do you have regular bowel movements?

Again, I am thinking to myself......this must be worse than I thought. What kind of questions are these? I have a normal menstrual cycle, no pain, what the hell is relations? And,,,girls do not poop!!!!

But somehow, I did not think he would take me seriously. He is old school Korean.....if that matters.

I answer all the questions, and once again prepare myself. The news is coming. Maybe he needs to do further testing. Maybe I need to see a specialist, maybe......

Dr~ Well, Jennifer, I wanted to let you know that in August, I will be retiring. I have enjoyed having you as a patient all these years. You have been a pleasure. I can recommend a new Dr to you if.....

Me~ THANK YOU JESUS!

Dr~ I'm sorry?

Me~ Oh! Well, okay first....I thought you were going to tell me I had cancer or something, but now......really....your retiring???? What am I going to do?!?!?! Why do you have to retire? I mean I know your 70 and your wife probably wants to spend time with you but what about your patients? Do you know how hard it is for me to trust a new Dr.......should I have brought cookies or something? Ugh...this is just too much for me!

And this folks, is a classic example of how I have a tendency to make everything about me!

Who wants to pour me a drink?

Just another Sunday night

Sunday nights are always crazy here. And by crazy, I mean I wait till the last possible minute to do everything I have to do to get ready for the school week.

This past Sunday was no exception. I am in the kitchen, cooking dinner, washing dishes, and making school lunches for the girls.

The girls are in the living room "playing" and by playing, I mean pretty much driving me crazy.


Vinnie comes home from playing outside.

Vinnie~Mom.... I'm home!

Me~ Okay Ricky Ricardo (that joke went completely over his head)

Vinnie~ You're drinking already?

Me~ Okay, really? It's only 5.........Actually, it is 5, time for a drink!

Vinnie~ Why can't you be normal?

Long, long long pause as he makes his way to the living room.

Vinnie~ Mom?

Me~ What?

Vinnie~ Why are the girls playing with your bra?

Me~ Oh, because it sparkles.

Vinnie~ okay, that's weird.

  Me~ yeah well.....if my sparkly bra keeps them entertained, then more power to my bra.

Vinnie~ What's next? Your underwear??

Me~ Whatever works. When you grow up and have kids of your own, you will get it.

I am not quite sure what the girls were using my bra for. Slingshots, a purse? Those were just a few of the words I had heard that night. As I told Vinnie, whatever works, and if that means me becoming a loyal Victoria Secrets customer, just so I can have Sparkly Bras stocked up, then I will do just that......because, that's what us moms do.

Top 10 Faves of 2012 (but not really)

Another round of Mama Kat's Writing Prompts This week I decided on.... 1.) The ladies at MomSmack listed their top 10 faves of 2012 here. Use their list as a template and fill in your own answers! (inspired by MomSmack)

1. Favorite 2012 Movie: Well, if we are talking movies that were seen in an actual movie theatre, I would have to say Breaking Dawn Part 2......because unless my memory is going,  that was the only movie we saw in 2012 in a real movie theatre. (Yes, I know, I need to get out more. Team Edward, Woo-Hoo!)
2. Favorite Album: Ummm, that's funny that you would think I actually have time to listen to a full album, from start to finish, without any interuptions. Can't we do favorite song??
3. Favorite Song:Ahh, ask and ye shall recieve. No questions asked, favorite song of 2012 is my girl PINK, "Try" awesome song, awesome video.
4. Favorite Tweeter: What the heck is a Tweeter? Is this drug related??? If so, I do not do drugs, that would be my sons department.
5. Favorite Blog: Momastry, and Enjoying the Small Things.
6. Favorite TV Show: The Walking Dead!!! Oh...and The Voice. Adam Levine anyone??
7. Favorite Instagramer: Me. Seriously, I have instrgram, I do instagram, but I do not follow anyone else on instagram (again, I have no freakin time to do anything!) So, yeah, I will just go with me.....and look, I will not even plug my instagram.
8. Favorite Moment: That would be one lazy summer morning in July, when I was able to sleep in.
9. Favorite Conference: Ummm, well......my 11 year old had a really good parent/teacher conference in which I learned he is above average in Science. Does that count? I mean Science of all things?!?!
10. Favorite Viral Video: The only one I can remember is that one video where that guy proposes, and all his friends/family were involved. Marry Me or something like that. HOWEVER, if I had my choice, the video I took of the girls singing to Justin Bierber would have made it viral, but it did not....so I am bitter.

As REAL as it gets...

11 hours and counting.

After two very long weeks, my kids finally go back to school. Their Christmas break is done and over with.

Holy Mother Mary of God, THANK YOU!!!

Now, it goes without saying, I love my kids. But, holy hell this has been a long two weeks, it feels like months.

Just today I dealt with the girls taking it upon themselves to paint their bedroom wall......in nail polish.

While giving them a bath, somehow, in the span of like 5 seconds, they flooded the bathroom.

I was scolded by Sofia for not putting raisins in her lunch box.

Vinnie is determined to see if he can get away with wearing his royal blue skinny jeans to school tomorrow. Yeah......he goes to a uniform school. I better not be getting a phone call about how my "daughter" is wearing too tight of jeans, and the wrong color.

Our gas gage on our car is broken, so , pretty much we are on "E" and now we have to just "gage the tank ourselves"

My house is a mess, and by house I mean our apartment that is just too small for us.

Christmas tree is still up, and I do not foresee it coming down anytime this week.

Perhaps I can make time next Monday right after my pap smear appointment, right before we go see my brother in laws new baby.

Sofia found some Halloween decorations I never got around to take down.

Vinnie found a crap load of weed in AJ's backpack...Joe wants to sell it.

I cannot find my comb....I need my comb to cut my horrible split ends, because it will be at least a good two weeks before I can go to the salon.

My cat who I thought was dying, is now causing as much trouble as a little toddler.

Seriously....I need a break, and tomorrow, thank you God, I get my break. I am counting the hours till my alarm goes off.

Again, this has been a long two weeks, and now, now I have no freakin idea what I am going to do when summer comes.

Perhaps I can commit myself into some kind of psych ward? That would give me what, a good two to three weeks of vacation???

Just a shout out to my beloved vodka, I would not be able to get through this without you.

P.S

Truth, Sofia just informed me she pooped in her pants.

SHE IS 5?!?!?!